If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
