Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
