So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
