Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
