Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
