Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
