When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize