Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Randomize
