Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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