now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize