I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
