we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
