So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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