gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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