my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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