Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize