Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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