I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Randomize
