Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
mondays should just be called national damage control day
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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