I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
