There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
