Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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