need another drink. this is the easiest way
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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