Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Randomize
