I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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