id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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