I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
