It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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