It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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