I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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