I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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