Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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