Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
