My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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