It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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