this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
