While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
