I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
