I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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