I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
