I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
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