I'm so fucking centered right now
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
