11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
