Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
