I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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