Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
im six kinds of drunk right now
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
