Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Randomize
