sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Are we still banned from the library?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
