and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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