Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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