I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
