So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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