Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
