Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
