i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
