If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
