Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize