smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
