Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
