if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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