Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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