I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
