Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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