This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
