Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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