I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
